Thoughts from my clinic of couples therapy which I put on my blog today. I hope it helps make some sense of the fights and certain stages of married life….

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Today I want to change the notion from ‘There are problems in the relationship… it’s not working’ To ‘Our relationship is in a healing process, but we don’t know what the next step is’.

We, humans, are an evolving species. We evolve on the physical level over long periods of time. But we also evolve on the emotional level, however- this kind of evolving is very fast in this age of time, and this needs to be addressed.

When one gets into a relationship, everything is often wonderful (sort of…). Wonderful enough that we can overcome the unbearable parts for the need/pleasure of the connection. There’s a high value of healing in the ‘falling in love’ phase, as we get to experience total acceptance, unconditional love, worthiness, confidence, connection, and so on. And in high doses. This allows our body to heal as these good experiences actually make a shift in our nervous system.

Until here- great, right? What’s next?

The next phase is usually moving in together and getting married. In this phase- things that annoy us start to take up more space, but we can usually bear them a bit longer. At least until the first child is born… and a second one.

At some point after having a child, things can start to become really difficult. Why? Because we start to connect to the child *we* were and the places we still yearn to be healed. At the same time, we become parents that don’t know much about parenting (or very little…) and can feel helpless. So now in addition to raising our child, we are also raising our inner child… again- this time being the adult and child simultaneously. From here- the road to tension, fights, and clashes with the partner is almost inevitable.

Why? Because you both are meeting a painful wound. And you both are likely to trigger it within each other.

In therapy, we transform the clashes into healing and couples get to go through the healing journey together.

So, this is a shout-out to say ‘you are ok! There is nothing wrong with you. You are on the right track to healing… all you need are some tools to get through it gently and break the cycle. For you, for your family unit, and for the next generation.’

Pic: 2 adults. 1 child. 2 inner-children.

Ronit Haase

Couples therapy and individual therapy

Clinic Online and in Ra’anana

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