Freud coined the term Repetition Compulsion, which means that throughout our lives we will recreate the same quality of connection again and again with the hope that it will be different the next time. That is why people find themselves in similar situations again and again.
Here are a few typical examples from couples therapy:
* A woman who grew up with a not present father, can find herself in a relationship with a non-present partner later in life, having ongoing fights- fighting for him to see her, to be present in the relationship.
* A man who grew up with a dominant controlling mother might find himself feeling lost and controlled in the relationship, feeling helpless and unable to be himself.
The thing is that the repetition compulsion can be stopped. The cycle can be broken. Usually, when people come to couples therapy or decide to end the relationship it’s because they are so exhausted, that their bodies can’t bear it anymore. They are not fighting the partner, but the parts in themselves that need to break free from the destructive pattern.
In couples therapy – these patterns are acknowledged and understood, the fights lessen, and there’s a growing ability to create closeness, intimacy, and connection.
~.~.~
Ronit Haase
Personal and couples therapist
Clinic in Raanana and online